It seems I've done some craptacular cell phone surgery. Once I discovered that the speaker wasn't entirely dead, just so faint as to be useless, I decided to try to crack the sucker open and reseat the speaker. A trip to my locally owned hardware store later, I was the owner of a cell phone repair kit. I popped open the phone, moved some stuff around and it worked. It's hard to say how long this will last, but the 11 dollars I spent for the cell phone kit was much less than the 50 they wanted to charge me at Verizon without even knowing what was wrong (I also wasn't terribly confident in the repair staff, as the woman told me that my problem was that the keypad was locked...that's right, I locked it myself and didn't unlock it before handing it to you...let me unlock it, then you can fix the problem I've already described). My previous plea for an old phone still stands, as I don't know how long my amateur fix job will last. For now, feel free to call, but if I act like I can't hear you, you'll know why.